I've got a little list

After a long, hot summer of urban noise and disturbance I recently sought refuge in the country - it didn't go exactly according to plan...

After no-mow May (and - coincidentally, surely? - the local elections) the grass on my East London estate has not been cut by the council. As a consequence, long, tinder-dry grass is now at the mercy of any disposable barbecue (believe me, it happens even on inner-city estates) or thoughtlessly discarded cigarette butt so I expect a conflagration at any moment - just as well we currently have fire wardens - but that's another story, for another time... We have also been plagued recently by late-night/early-morning fireworks exploding noisily and shattering the already fragile nighttime 'calm'. Suffice to say, between heatwaves and antisocial behaviour we have had little sleep these past few months.. 

So, while news that Prime Minister Burnham (appropriately so-named in this context) has temporarily banned the use of disposable barbecues and fireworks is welcome, an outright permanent ban might have been even more so. As things stand, it's all down to enforcement and, as we all know, the chances of that are slim to non-existent these days. Sadly, such announcements are mostly performative, just ending up adding yet more dead-letter laws to the growing pile of unimplemented legislation. Talking of which, did I mention the noise of motorbikes and souped-up cars, which there is already legislation on the statute books to deal with but which continues unabated...?

But I digress. Having finally made good my escape to the country in search of cooler nights and tranquil sleep, I was initially lulled into a false sense of security by the sepulchral silence, only to be jolted awake by household intruder alarms going off in the neighbourhood triggered by a brief power outage. What on earth is the point of such alarms (and I include vehicle alarms in my long list of bêtes-noires) if they don't actually alarm anyone or trigger any obvious response?  They just serve to keep everyone awake until such time as they eventually stop of their own accord - or are dealt with by a sleep-deprived neighbour wielding an axe.

As a result of this mayhem and madness I'm compiling a catalogue of complaints which I'm dedicating to the memory of Victor Meldrew, that fictional patron saint of all embittered, grumpy old men who simply cannot believe the maelstrom of chaos into which modern British life seems to have descended. Fireworks, disposable barbecues and noisy alarms I've already covered as blights on civilised society but I'd like to add:
• barking dogs
• screaming kids
• police helicopters
• drones
• skateboards after midnight (or, frankly, anytime)
• noisy parking enforcement vehicle removal trucks (ditto)
• 'caution, vehicle reversing' recorded messages
• car parking kits audible outside the vehicle
• phones on speakerphone
• out-of-hours construction work and DIY
• workmen's radios
• back pack leaf blowers
• ice cream van chimes...
They'd none of 'em be missed.

Any politician who advocates TV shutdown, as in my youth, and a nighttime curfew, as in the War, gets my vote.



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