Dear Andy - political sketch

We hear a lot about dashboards these days but, in the political context, it's perhaps worth remembering the word's original meaning

It derives from the physical board attached to the front of a horse-drawn carriage to block mud and debris ('the dash' kicked up by the horses' hooves) from hitting passengers. Maybe you should ponder this fact as your civil servants analyse the data for you in real time. In other words, you'll need to develop a canny strategy for avoiding the shit when it inevitably flies and make sure it doesn't stick to you. But I'm sure you knew that anyway.

So, as you prepare for your coronation I append my advice to consider in the short time available to you before assuming the mantle of the highest office of state. I know Oscar Wilde observed that the only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on but, unfortunately for you, there's no-one you can pass it in to - the buck stops with you from hereon in. Luckily, you won't ever see this advice but I do hope someone passes on similar counsel to you.

1. Always be mindful that London isn't Manchester. Having lived in both cities I can vouch for that but, then, so have you so you'll be only too aware of the pitfalls that await you. You may have made yourself 'King of the North' but London doesn't necessarily welcome pretenders with open arms. Bonnie Prince Charlie was given short shrift, only getting as far as Derby. At least you've made it safely to London but James I and VI only narrowly escaped being blown up here having made it from Scotland. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

2. Bide your time in the UK before swanning off on foreign jollies. I'm sure it's very glamorous and exciting to have the red carpet rolled out for you in foreign capitals but the siren call should be resisted - stop your ears with wax and lash yourself to the mast (metaphorically speaking - the media don't need any encouragement). While the pundits may applaud your efforts on the world stage (largely because they get to freeload along with you) the majority of folk really don't care that much and would rather see you working at home on their behalf. Sad but true, fixing potholes, bins, buses and streetlights probably means more to your average Brit than trying to solve complex international issues. They might just cut you some slack on Ukraine but the Middle East? Forget it. We're a middle-ranking power now and you won't be thanked for imperial pretensions. Moral support for Palestine would be welcome, though.

2a. And on that point, certainly don't rush to visit the White House - it almost always ends badly. I extended this advice to Tony Blair and look what happened with George W Bush! Clearly, to venture into the Oval Office at juncture, with Trump in occupancy, would spell disaster. He's mad, bad and dangerous to know (to quote Lady Caroline Lamb on Lord Byron) so keep your distance and heed the lyrics of Shirley Bassey's Gold Finger theme tune: "Such a cold finger, beckons you to enter his web of sin, but don't go in."

3. Your Chancellor will, very literally, be a fiscal drag. You'll be First Lord of the Treasury for Crissakes (check out your letterbox) so get a grip - and keep hold of it. Many a Prime Ministerial career has foundered on the rocks of inflexible Treasury orthodoxy. Oh, and take a look at the OBR while you're settling in - a classic case of the tail wagging the dog if ever there was one - and instituted by George Osborne to boot. Need I say more?

4. Tax the rich until the pips squeak. Of course they'll all whinge and threaten to leave the country but, thanks to Trump, tax havens like Abu Dhabi, Dubai and Qatar no longer enjoy quite the same appeal they once did. Bid them a cheery 'tara' but remind them on the way out that if the going gets tough, there's no coming back. Where else can they safely launder their ill-gotten gains. Watch that one trickle down.

5. Don't rush to apply to rejoin the EU - it's a bit of a busted flush. I voted Remain but, ten years on, I reckon we can hang on a wee bit longer until they need us back. Trump's stance on NATO will probably force a European rethink anyway and Putin's aggression will bring the continent closer together on defence issues. Focus instead on maximising the few Brexit benefits there are, such as trade deals and procurement freedom in awarding government contracts to British companies. Besides, Spain's socialist PM, Pedro Sánchez, appears to be contemplating a leading EU role and his moral integrity might make a return to the European club a much more attractive proposition for you. ¡Mañana!

6. Abolish the House of Lords entirely and decant MPs elsewhere (Manchester perhaps?) while the Palace of Westminster is refurbed and turned into a major theme park tourist attraction. At the same time, live anywhere but in 10 Downing Street, a place where principles go to die.

7. Finally, watch your back - and your front.

Kind regards and good luck,

Tim

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